Wednesday, April 14, 2010
This morning was a bit rushed. I have about 20 minutes before I have to shoot off to work so though I would do a quick update.
THIS FILL HAS BEEN FANTASTIC! I ate lunch today at 1pm(piece of silverside, 8 rice crackers with low fat dip and a small salad), it is now 3.00pm and I still feel satisfied. Over the past months I would have been looking for something else by now! Also after dinner out last night I still would have had something 'snacky' a couple of hours after we got home..... no sir! Satisfied!!!!!
Now as well as working on the diet/exercise thing, I have also started the mind connection. This weekend I am doing a Conscious Connected Breathing course. Now for me it seems a bit 'out there', but I came from a whack job family and really don't want to pass that onto my children (if I ever manage to have them). I also think that my 'issues' are some of the reasons I can't seem to get past the 87kg mark. It's time to sort my shit out.
So I am not too sure about certain things I have read about the course, such as touching my inner self. I'm pretty sure I'll get arrested if I do that in public. If people start throwing keys into a bowl... I AM SO OUTA THERE! No in all seriousness, I know the lady who is running the course and she would have to be one of the most relaxed easy going ladies I've ever met. I want a piece of that. I don't want to reach for that glass of wine or that packet of chips when I'm stressed. I want to be able to work though that stress and help myself to reduce it.
My family at the moment is pretty much a hot mess. I had a huge wake up call over the Easter long weekend. I get a phone call from my Mum at two in the afternoon. She is slurring and cannot string a sentence together. Apparently she'd been drinking since the morning and this has become a common occurrence with my Mum and Dad. Living so far away and coming from a family where everything is kept secret I didn't realise her drinking had gotten so bad. My sister had a friend staying with her over Easter and Mum went a little berko. Abusing this friend and hitting walls as she didn't like what was said. AND THEY WONDER WHY I DON'T GO AND VISIT!
So as my sister and I are talking about this craziness the words spill out of my mouth....
THIS IS WHY I DON'T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN!
We both sat silent for a while. I couldn't believe the words I had said. I didn't realise I had said them at first. My sister was shocked. We began talking again and my sister asked me why I felt that way. I told her that if it was me there that Easter with my kids and that happened, I would remove them from the situation. This would cause huge tension and knowing what my parents are like it would probably be the beginning of a total breakdown in our relationship.
I spent the rest of the weekend really thinking about what I want out of life. I have told my husband that we will not really start trying for a bub again until I am back in the 70 kilo range. Am I sabotaging myself so that I don't have to get to that point and make the decision to once again try for a family?
I booked the course a couple of weeks ago before all this stuff came to light. I'm hoping that it will help me to realise what I want from life and more importantly what I don't want my life to be.